Dear Nanny,
We were supposed to cook together in my kitchen when I moved into my house. I wish you could have made it, but I know you are watching over me and every meal I cook. You are right there with me.
I honestly don't care what others say, I know you watch over me. I know you see your family from up there. I know you are sitting with your parents. I feel you. I miss you. I wish you could be sitting beside me, but that's not how life and death works. Sometimes those we love have to go before we want them to or are ready for them to leave us. But, I don't think we are ever ready for our loved ones to leave. I will never be whole again because my missing pieces are in Heaven with you. Keep them safe for me, Nanny.
Besides all the cooking adventures...life has been a little chaotic without you here to set me straight. I miss spilling my guts to you. Boy, did I need it these last two weeks. Everything that could go wrong, has gone bonkers. I can't even breathe without making someone mad at me these days. I spiral without warning. I cry without cause. I worry without end so it seems. A never-ending cycle of hurt. Two people won't talk to me. One is always thinking I'm leaving. Others are always asking me to get stuff done or telling me I'm not helping enough. But, I'm busting my butt here lately and accomplishing nothing so it feels. I'm trying really hard. I am. I am trying to remember that. Plus, at the end of the day if I'm not happy then it just isn't a good day. I have to work on making sure I am taken care of and that it isn't selfish to take care of me sometimes. Self-care is very important, especially now. I just wish you were here to ease the pain and loss. Life is very overwhelming these days.
I hope it gets better. Cause I am running out of fumes. My cup is empty. I am still trying to find something to fill it up without you here to fill my cup when I'm running low. You were truly my motivation to keep moving forward. I really need some of that motivation lately. I'll find it again, just like you always reminded me.
I love you. I miss you.
Until Next Time,
Em
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